Directed by: Louis Leterrier
Written by:Luc Besson, Robert Mark Kamen
Starring: Jason Statham, Alessando Gassman, Amber Valletta, Kate Nauta, Matthew Modine, Jason Flemyng
Released: September 29, 2005
Grade: C-

I’ve seen a few critics promoting this film.  If you want proof that movies can make for great conversation, bring one of these people to me.  They would rave about the outstanding action and I would vent my frustrations my discussing the complete disregard for realism.  The funny thing is that we’d probably both agree.  It’s like the old adage – is the glass half full or half empty?  Do you prefer action or storyline?

I’m a fan of a good old-fashioned story and this film was sorely lacking in that department.  The Transporter, aka Frank Martin (Statham), is now working as a driver for a wealth family.  When their son is kidnapped by a group of terrorists who are demanding a $5m reward, Frank is determined to see them brought to justice.  Why?  Because Frank promised the kid that he’d never let anything bad happen to him whilst under his protection.

The terrorists have developed a virus which can kill everyone who comes in contact with in inside 24 hours.  There’s an antidote which will keep them safe.  They are going to release it to send a message to a bunch of world health organisations.  Why, I don’t know.  What will be achieved by killing everyone on the planet?

Their plan of course will never come to fruition thanks to the Transporter.  When you see the situations he manages to extricate himself from, you’ll finally believe that there someone is out there luckier than James Bond.  Frank never carries a gun but he doesn’t need to because he can dodge bullets (even when shot from just 3 feet away).

In determining the worst scene of the film, there were plenty of contenders to choose from.  What about where Frank drive his car off a cark park roof and into an adjoining development building?  What about where he jumps onto the wheels of a moving plane during take-off and climbs aboard?  Nope.  The winner has to be a scene in which Frank drives his car up a ramp, flips it, and gently brushes a hook dangling from a crane which perfectly removes a bomb underneath which will explode in two seconds.

Ok, I’m taking myself too seriously here but I don’t care.  You have to draw a line somewhere.  The original Transporter wasn’t a bad film but in the words of Mr. Cranky, this is indeed “a festering wound in the anus of cinema”.