|Directed by:||Richard Donner|
|Written by:||Jeff Maguire, George Nolfi|
|Starring:||Paul Walker, Frances O’Connor, Gerard Butler, Billy Connolly, David Thewlis, Anna Friel|
|Released:||February 5, 2004|
They say simple movies can be described in a single sentence. Timeline is the story of an archaeologist who uses an experimental time machine to travel back to 14th century France, becomes stuck, and has a group of friends come to rescue him.
A Timeline by Matthew Toomey.
7:02pm – Enter theatre.
7:15pm – Advertisements commence.
7:18pm – Trailers commence (Open Range, One Perfect Day, The Missing).
7:24pm – Film begins.
7:26pm – Eyebrows peak. I didn’t realise Billy Connolly was in this.
7:31pm – Finish popcorn.
7:34pm – Think to myself “this isn’t too bad”.
7:35pm – Things start to turn against me.
7:40pm – Paul Walker utters a line of dialogue. I cringe.
7:52pm – Fail to grasp the idea that archaeologists are better fighters than fully trained army men.
7:55pm – Wonder why everyone speaks the same fluent English in the 14th century as they do in the 21st century (including the French).
8:00pm – Stomach churns when watching Paul Walker and Frances O’Connor share a first kiss despite being in a life-threatening situation.
8:03pm – Start to realise the film doesn’t make any sense and is completely unrealistic (even for a time travel movie).
8:13pm – Look at watch.
8:18pm – Wonder about how I can adequately sum up my dislike for this movie in my review.
8:22pm – Wonder if John Crichton’s book is better than this.
8:25pm – Think about what I’m doing next week.
8:27pm – See a French actor I recognise from another movie but can’t place his face.
8:29pm – Realise the actor is the guy who played Merovingian in The Matrix: Reloaded.
8:36pm – Look at watch. Realise there’s about 30 minutes to go.
8:42pm – Struggle to comprehend why a great Australian actress like Frances O’Connor would sign up for this and deliver such mindless dialogue.
8:49pm – Lose complete track of the plot and quietly chuckle at how mediocre the battle scenes look.
8:54pm – Look at watch. Think about whether I’ll be able to get home in time to see the golf highlights on Fox Sports News.
8:59pm – Realise the David Thewlis character is one of the most useless I have ever seen.
9:01pm – Look at watch. Realise the end is nigh. Hope it’ll be a really short conclusion.
9:05pm – Credits start rolling. Leave theatre immediately. Over a woman in the lobby say “well I wasn’t expecting a masterpiece but that was terrible.”