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Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 09 October 2005

Must Love Dogs is a terribly cheesy romantic comedy.  It reminds me of the stupid American sitcoms that don’t make it on our free-to-air television, and instead debut on Foxtel.  Some like these kind of movies.  I don’t.  I need originality and if you’re looking for a much better film about romance, check out Curtis Hanson’s In Her Shoes which is also currently showing.

Sarah (Lane) is a divorced 40-something pre-school teacher.  All her family and friends (including the token gay couple) are helping her get back in the game.  They are bringing over photos of eligible bachelors and signing her up to internet dating websites.  The obvious question, of course, is how come someone as good looking as Diane Lane can’t find a decent man?

After a few botched dates, Sarah meets Jake (Cusack), also on the rebound and also loving dogs.  They get off to a decent start but things become complicated when Sarah finds herself being wooed by Bobby (Mulroney), the father of one of her students.  She’s now gone from having no options, to having two very viable options.

The worst part of Must Love Dogs is the dribble which comes from their mouths.  You feel there’s no spontaneity and almost every line of dialogue feels too smartly written.  It’s trying too hard.  Diane Lane and John Cusack are great actors who are the best performers in the film but the supporting characters are terribly written.  They’re walking clichés and the more they spoke, the more I reached for my sick bag.

Now knowing that people like Diane Lane can be found on the internet, I’m off for some net dating…

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Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 28 September 2005

New York, 1929.  Boxer Jim Braddock (Crowe) is sweeping all before him in the boxing ring.  He was never been knocked out in the ring and the lucrative prize money is being invested on the stock market to help provide a future for his wife Mae (Zellweger) and their three children.

New York, 1934.  The Great Depression has swept America and Jim Braddock has hit rock bottom.  Injuries have destroyed his boxing career and his finances have disappeared into thin air.  The family now live in a tiny, rundown apartment and there isn’t even enough money to pay the electricity bill.

People love a rags to riches story and the title Cinderella Man should give an indication of what comes next.  On just 24 hours notice, agent Joe Gould (Giamatti) has landed Jim a one-off fight against a leading contender.  The $250 cheque would help pay off his outstanding debts and give Jim a final fight to close out his career.

No one expected him to win but somehow, he did.  Jim Braddock wasn’t finished yet.  This was the just the start of a monumental comeback.  More victories followed and people were talking.  Could he possibly be the one to defeat world heavyweight champion, Max Baer (Bierko)?  On June 13, 1935 at New York City’s Garden Bowl, the two would meet in one of boxing’s most anticipated battles…

Based on a true story, Cinderella Man sees director Ron Howard (A Beautiful Mind) choreographing some incredibly realistic boxing scenes.  I was sweating during the finale as the two prized fighters beat the living hell out of each other.  I don’t know if they were actually hitting each other but it sure looked like it.

What I enjoyed most about the film was its simplicity.  There aren’t any real bad guys or good guys – just desperate people trying to stay afloat in hard times.  The screenwriters haven’t included too many unrelated subplots or tried to make the story too unbelievable.  I can’t say it’s a 100% accurate account of what really happened but it feels true.

Russell Crowe gives another amazing performance but unfortunately for the makers of Cinderella Man, many have attributed the poor U.S. box-office has been attributed to his bad reputation following the “phone throwing” incident back in June 2005.  He may not have the greatest sense of self control but he’s a hell of a good actor.  There are few actors in the world today who can match his recent resume of quality films which include The Insider, A Beautiful Mind, Gladiator and Master & Commander.  Paul Giamatti also stands out in a role which is tipped to earn him a supporting actor nod at next year’s Oscars.  I sure hope he does because he’s an extremely talented actor who too often goes unnoticed.

We don’t usually see films of an Oscar calibre at this time of the year so if you haven’t been turned off the brutality of boxing after Million Dollar Baby, here’s a film which outshines most everything else currently showing.  Emotional drama at its finest!

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Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 04 October 2005

I’ve seen a few critics promoting this film.  If you want proof that movies can make for great conversation, bring one of these people to me.  They would rave about the outstanding action and I would vent my frustrations my discussing the complete disregard for realism.  The funny thing is that we’d probably both agree.  It’s like the old adage – is the glass half full or half empty?  Do you prefer action or storyline?

I’m a fan of a good old-fashioned story and this film was sorely lacking in that department.  The Transporter, aka Frank Martin (Statham), is now working as a driver for a wealth family.  When their son is kidnapped by a group of terrorists who are demanding a $5m reward, Frank is determined to see them brought to justice.  Why?  Because Frank promised the kid that he’d never let anything bad happen to him whilst under his protection.

The terrorists have developed a virus which can kill everyone who comes in contact with in inside 24 hours.  There’s an antidote which will keep them safe.  They are going to release it to send a message to a bunch of world health organisations.  Why, I don’t know.  What will be achieved by killing everyone on the planet?

Their plan of course will never come to fruition thanks to the Transporter.  When you see the situations he manages to extricate himself from, you’ll finally believe that there someone is out there luckier than James Bond.  Frank never carries a gun but he doesn’t need to because he can dodge bullets (even when shot from just 3 feet away).

In determining the worst scene of the film, there were plenty of contenders to choose from.  What about where Frank drive his car off a cark park roof and into an adjoining development building?  What about where he jumps onto the wheels of a moving plane during take-off and climbs aboard?  Nope.  The winner has to be a scene in which Frank drives his car up a ramp, flips it, and gently brushes a hook dangling from a crane which perfectly removes a bomb underneath which will explode in two seconds.

Ok, I’m taking myself too seriously here but I don’t care.  You have to draw a line somewhere.  The original Transporter wasn’t a bad film but in the words of Mr. Cranky, this is indeed “a festering wound in the anus of cinema”.

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Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 25 September 2005

I feel strangely sympathetic towards Rob Schneider and Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.  Schneider has been in Australia over the past week doing his best to promote the film.  Listening to his interviews, I found that Schneider is quite funny in person.  This shouldn’t come as a surprise considering that in the early 1990s, he had a permanent place in the highly-rated American comedy show Saturday Night Live.

You also have to give credit to Schneider and his move to the bigger screen.  There are so few people (especially comedians) who make a decent transition from television to movies.  Aside from cameos in just about every Adam Sandler movie, Schneider has had starring roles in Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo, The Hot Chick and The Animal.  I didn’t like any of these films but they fact they averaged more than $50m at the U.S. box-office shows that other people did.

That said, this is a really, really bad movie and if you’ve ready any other reviews for the film, you’ll know this already.  Some films are so bad though, that they actually become funny.  Recent examples include Kevin & Perry Go Large, Freddie Got Fingered and Dude, Where’s My Car?  The jokes are that bad, you can’t help but laugh in the cinema.  Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo fits into this select category and drew many laughs at the screening I attended (some from myself).  As the saying goes – “you dare not look but you cannot turn away”.

European Gigolo sees Deuce (Schneider) fleeing to Amsterdam after a run in with the law back home.  Once there, he meets up with fellow gigolo and friend T.J. Hicks (Griffin) who owns a houseboat which is parked in a canal near the red light district.  T.J. now works has a pimp but business has been tough with many leading gigolos recently been murdered on the job.  When T.J. is wrongly arrested for the crimes, Deuce knows he must save the day.  It’s time to get back in the business of “man-whoring” and find out who the real killer is.

From the opening scene, the jokes are awful and don’t get any better.  I haven’t had the heart to watch the original Deuce Bigalow film since I saw it back in 2000 but some of these jokes feel awfully familiar.  Deuce meets an assortment of new women with various quirks but as I’ve just said, it’s funny only because it’s dumb.  One woman is a giant who makes Deuce dress up as a baby.  One woman has a hole in her throat which spits out wine when she drinks it.  One woman was born in Chernobyl and has a male “appendage” attached to her face.  If that isn’t stupid enough for you, there’s an abundance of gay jokes involving T.J. and a few gags about tourists defecating on the streets of Amsterdam.

It may have my worst rating but if there’s any bad film you need to see this year then this is probably it.  Whether you’re laughing with the film or at the film, at least you’re still laughing!

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Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 02 October 2005

Four weeks ago at my local cinema, there was a one-off Thursday night advance screening of Serenity which was open to the public.  I hadn’t heard of the film at the time and it struck me as odd that the studio would allow an advance screening so far ahead of its release.  When that Thursday night came around, I was at the cinema seeing another movie (Red Eye) and on walking out, saw a very, very long queue.  Sure enough, it was for Serenity – sold out and despite not starting for another hour, the lucky ticket holders were already in line for the best seats.

It was then time to do some research to find out what I was missing.  Joss Whedon (the creator of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer television series) had created a new sci-fi show called Firefly.  The show aired in 2002 but was cancelled after just 11 episodes had screened in the U.S.  Many television shows develop a cult audience but the fans of Firefly were incredibly passionate about the new series.  They campaigned strongly for the show to be continued on another network and for the episodes already made to be released on DVD.   

Releasing there was a lot of love for these characters, Universal Studios took the unusual step of commissioning a movie.  This brings us to today.  The early box-office numbers aren’t strong and I don’t think it’s going to be a very profitable exercise for Universal, but it’s nice to see “people power” having its influence in Hollywood.

Serenity is set well into the future.  Earth has become overpopulated and so its people have now moved to a brand new solar system which has had its planets calibrated to give them the same look and feel as Earth.  Mal (Fillion) is captain of an aging spaceship which has travelling through space on a series of adventures.  He has an eccentric crew with whom he often has disagreements but it’s a fun-loving bunch, similar to what you’d see in a Star Trek movie.

This film sees the team rescue a girl named River from a top-secret science facility.  She is the sister of a fellow crew member and was being used in a bizarre experiment where memories were being erased and replaced with others (or so I thought).  The escape goes to plan but what follows is a massive search by the authorities to find her.  What is so special about this girl?  The crew know they are jeopardising their own lives by protecting her but their curiosity for the truth leads them on a journey to the far reaches of the galaxy...

Writer/director Joss Whedon has a cute sense of humour and there are several scenes which “spoof” the science-fiction genre.  Even during the film’s most dramatic scenes, Whedon still manages to weave in a few jokes.  If you’ve seen the film’s trailer though, you may have already seen the best of the jokes.  

It’s not a bad film but I did struggle to keep involved with the story.  There are a many characters (one of whom meets an unexpectedly funny demise) and those who have seen the television series will already understand who they are and what makes them so interesting.   Firefly is now showing here in Australia on Foxtel but having not yet caught up with it, this film didn’t pinch my funny bone as much as it will for others.