Details

Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 07 June 2001

For some reason, 20th Century Fox found him worthy of his own film and gave him $15m for him to write, direct and star in it.  Gord (Green) is a cartoon writer who wants to make it in Hollywood.  His dad (Torn) just wants him find a job and move out of home so he can relax and enjoy his retirement.  With that said, let’s just go through the “highlights” of Freddie Got Fingered.

In one scene, Gord drives pass a horse stud farm which excites him.  He proceeds to jump from his car, run to a horse and masturbates the horse’s penis.  In another scene, Gord sees a dead deer in the middle of the road.  He gets a knife and cuts the skin from the animal and then dances around wearing the blood soaked skin pretending to be the deer.  Do you want more?

When in hospital visiting a friend, Gord’s antics offend a pregnant lady in the next bed which sends her into labour.  Gord makes things right by delivering the baby.  He then chews through the umbilical cord with his teeth and swings the baby around leaving blood splattered on the walls and nearby patients.

As fate has it, Gord meets a young lady in hospital named Betty (Marisa Coughlan) who’s paralysed from the waist down.  To reach orgasm, she has Gord whip her legs with a bamboo cane which drives her wild.  She’s not the kind of girl who likes to go out - she’d just prefer to stay home and suck his cock.  Shall I continue?

I guess there’s one more scene requiring explanation.  When his father has a go at him for being a loser, Gord decides to get back at dad but accusing him of molesting Freddie, his younger son (hence the title).  Authorities then place Freddie in a home for abused children and begin criminal proceedings against the accused.  Amused?

Incredibly sick and twisted, I laughed quite often during Freddie Got Fingered but it was “at” the film and not “with” the film.  It’s nothing more than a 90 minute skit of Tom Green acting stupid - it doesn’t flow and there’s certainly no story.  Everyone has a different sense of humour and maybe there are people that would find this funny but not me.  Jerking off an elephant and spraying his father with the semen is not my idea of comedy.

If you do see the film and enjoy it more than I, please tell me so that I can lose all respect for you.  With the current trend of “gross out” comedies, there’s a fine line being drawn between what is funny and what is sick.  Never before has one film been so far over that line and Freddie Got Fingered sets a new benchmark for human depravity that may never again be matched.

Details

Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 31 May 2001

In a car accident with his girlfriend Julie (Fonda), Stu slips into a deep coma.  As his body remains motionless in the real world, Stu’s mind finds itself trapped in a bizarre world of nightmares known as Downtown.  There’s a crazy assortment of characters (including Monkeybone) who are waiting for an “exit ticket” from Death (played by Whoopi Goldberg) so that they can awake and return to their original lives.

After spending three months in a coma, Stu’s sister is ready to pull the plug.  In Downtown, Monkeybone has orchestrated a scheme and steals an “exit ticket” so he can check out the real world for himself in Stu’s body.  So when Stu awakes just before the plug is pulled, everyone is overjoyed until they find that Stu isn’t quite the same person...

Monkeybone is a very strange film that some critics have called adventurous but I found muddled and lacking logic.  Brendan Fraser has a knack for being silly on screen but I feel I’ve seen this side of Fraser one too many times (as in Bedazzled, Dudley Do-Right, Blast From The Past and George Of The Jungle).  He was brilliant in 1998’s Gods And Monsters but hasn’t capitalised on the critical acclaim and seems content to play unchallenging characters.

Fraser shouldn’t be singled out because the whole cast is inappropriate.  Dave Foley, Rose McGowan and especially Whoopi Goldberg don’t seem to know what they’re doing.  Director Henry Selick’s previous two films, The Nightmare Before Christmas and James And The Giant Peach, were both animated and a cast not required.  Hopefully he has learnt lessons from this experience.

Monkeybone will go down in history as a box-office bomb with its rumoured $75m budget.  The film didn’t even make $6m in the United States which shows that a film can be original and unimpressive at the same time.  Don’t expect anything similar anytime soon.

Details

Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 07 June 2001

When Rafe’s plane is shot down, word of his death reaches America which shatters both Evelyn and Danny.  Months pass before the two run into each other at a cinema and in discussing their depression at a local cafe, a romantic connection forms between them.  However, their newly found happiness will be short-lived when Rafe turns up alive to complicate the situation...

Before anyone has a chance to comprehend Rafe’s survival, Pearl Harbor is bombed by a Japanese sneak attack.  History tells us that over 3,700 were killed in just a few hours on December 7, 1941 and it signalled the start of America’s involvement in World War II.

Look, I have never been a fan of director Michael Bay and all his films (Armageddon, The Rock and Bad Boys) are bullshit.  Pearl Harbor is his attempt to tackle more important subject material (kind of like what Steven Spielberg did in making Schindler’s List).  Unfortunately, the film has all the trademarks of Michael Bay and producer Jerry Bruckheimer. 

Despite visual effects wizardry and blistering action sequences, these characters have no soul.  I love to hear beautifully spoken dialect but it’s more suited to a Shakespearean drama and not a war epic.  These people speak as if every sentence has been crafted from hours of thought which doesn’t add to the drama but rather adds to the laughter.

There’s beautiful cinematography from John Schwartzman and deep music from Hans Zimmer but is it appropriate in a war setting?  Do we really have to have romantic scenes played out in slow motion to soft lullabies on coastal settings?  At times during the key action sequence, I felt I was watching a rock video with all the music, editing and changes in pace.

I went into the film with pessimism but I do concede that on more than one occasion, I had that queasy emotion feeling.  Yet every time I tried to lose my heart in this story, a stupid line or a corny sequence would slip me back to the reality that is the darkened cinema.  The only difference between this film and Armageddon is that the story is based on an actual event - nothing else has effectively changed.

I could continue to criticise the numerous flaws that many others have pointed out regarding historical inaccuracies.  I nearly pewked when an Englishman said “if all American pilots are as good as you, then god help anyone who attacks America”.  Cuba Gooding Jr is thrown in as the token black character who (like he does in Men Of Honor) rises against the white supremacists and wins respect.  It didn’t come as any surprise either to see the Japanese portrayed so negatively - why would any female want to root for an ugly Japanese guy when Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett are on the other team?  I will single out Jon Voight as the only cast member to impresses with his portrayal of President Roosevelt.

So there you have it - the biggest blockbuster of the year is a disappointment.  Still, it’ll make $500m worldwide at the box-office and leave Bay and Bruckheimer to contemplate another historical event to rape on the big screen.  I guess it doesn’t matter what event they choose because when you can spend $200m on special effects, who needs a script?  It reminds of the famous line when 30’s B-grade director Ed Wood was asked if the script was ready for his new movie - “fuck no!” he said, “but there’s a poster!”

Details

Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 31 May 2001

So let’s meet the contenders of series 7.  Two-time defending champion Dawn Lagarto (33) is eight months pregnant but she’s back to fight for her life again - current odds: even money.  Retired Indiana resident Franklin James (72) is a conspiracy theorist and could just be crazy enough to pull this off - current odds: 20-1.  Connecticut student Lindsay Berns (18) has teen support and her high SAT scores may compensate for her lack of experience - current odds: 9-5.  Tony Reilly (38) is an unemployed asbestos-remover and Jersey native whose marriage and life are on the rocks - current odds: 3-1.  Connie Trabucco (53) is a Californian ER nurse who despite being a devout Catholic, knows a thing or two about lethal injections - current odds: 5-1.  Jeffrey Norman (33) is an artist from Connecticut and is terminally ill with testicular cancer so has nothing to lose - current odds: 10-1.

Stay tuned because tonight the first contestant will be killed and a shock revelation will be uncovered.  All this and much more on Series 7: The Contenders.  Warning: Due to the graphic nature of the following program, viewer discretion is advised.

This hilarious spoof is one of the funniest films of the year.  Shot on a shoestring budget from writer/director Daniel Minahan, it pokes fun at television and the recent obsession with reality-based and expose-styled programs.  The film is shot mostly with handheld cameras and looks like a bad episode of Cops as we chase our contestants around.  Every time someone is interviewed, the camera slowly zooms in looking like something you’d see in a soap opera.  The narration and poorly made re-enactments will bring back memories of Hard Copy and Australia’s Most Wanted all over again.  The film even teases us every 10-15 minutes with previews of what’s to come (as if we were going to an add break and they want to hold our attention).

Last week I criticised 15 Minutes for its one-sidedness and it’s ironic that just one week later, I can talk about a film that does the job right.  Series 7: The Contenders doesn’t tell us that television has gone wrong.  If anything, it tells us that whilst often predictable, there are plenty of great ideas and concepts to be explored on the smaller screen.

So make sure you get home from work on time so as not to miss tonight’s Contenders 90-minute marathon where the final winner will be revealed.  Can Dawn defend for the third straight season or will a long-shot pull an upset?  The winner will be revealed...after this break.

Details

Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 31 May 2001

The film was under my skin before the opening credits had even finished.  In the most ludicrous plot I have witnessed in some time, we meet Amanda (Potter) as a successful painting restorer who has sworn off men since she inadvertently walked in on her boyfriend sleeping with another.  Forced to find new living arrangements she finds a luxurious apartment that is home to four models (including Australian Sarah O’Hare) enjoying a swanky lifestyle.

In the lobby, she meets young fashion executive Jim Winston (Prinze Jr) and in a gooey moment, they both fall “head over heels”.  It transpires that Jim lives in the apartment across the street which is clearly visible from Amanda’s place.  Having arranged a first date on Saturday, Amanda is keeping a close eye on her man but one night after a party, the shadows through his curtains give the appearance that he’s beaten a young girl over the head with a baseball bat.

Normally I would stop at this point to save the surprise for those that actually do want to see the movie but given the circumstances, I need to spoil it for you.  It so happens that Jim is actually an FBI agent and the killing was only an act because a Russian mafia guy was also watching from another window and Jim’s cover would be blown otherwise.  In the “dramatic” conclusion, the four models, Amanda and Jim end up at a fashion show where the bad guys are apprehended, and Jim fesses up to Amanda that his real name is Bob Smouthe.  After Amanda’s whole “I can’t deal with this” episode (lasting 5 minutes), they both realise they can’t live without each other.  Awwww.

I don’t know why Freddie Prinze Jr continues with this teen crap (he’s now 25 years old).  Is it because he’s such a bad actor that studios won’t offer him serious roles?  I must also use this opportunity to reprehend Sarah O’Hare for the worst performance of the year.  She plays an Australian and here’s a sampling of what she had to say - “Of course I love water - I come from Australia which is an island”.  There were also several jokes about uncles and cousins in the outback wanting to sleep with her. 

This is the kind of film where I wish I could record my own commentary for the DVD so that I could dissect and destroy every single scene.  The film started rolling at 7:10pm and I walked out just as the final credits started rolling at 8:27pm.  That’s just 77 minutes of actual film and I’ll bet it was cut 100 times before being released.  In hindsight, they should have cut the whole film and burnt it to a crisp.

I don’t want people thinking I’m overly harsh so as final proof, here’s a few quotes from some of America’s leading critics - “Prinze’s acting has the soulful depth of a glass of Nestle’s Quick and the complex nuances of a toasted slice of Wonder Bread”, “the first truly tasteless motion picture of 2001”, “the sorriest piece of work that’s been greenlit in over a year of weak Hollywood product”, “it doesn’t just insult our intelligence, it assumes we haven’t any”, “completely idiotic”, “as dumb as a post”, and “apocalyptically bad”.  Mr Cranky himself said “I was looking for an aerosol can and a match so I could set fire to the screen”.

I’ll finish with one final thought from critic Mike Clark of USA Today which had me chuckling most of all - “It feels like a movie some other actress rejected - you can almost see Sandra Bullock using the screenplay manuscript as a coffee coaster.”  Isn’t it funny that the reviews are more entertaining than the film?  Normally not a good sign.