With all the movies I’ve seen, there are plenty of great stories to tell.  At a screening of Very Bad Things, the projector was too low and in several scenes boom mikes were visible at the top.  At a screening of The Green Mile, two reels were played out of order leaving the audience in a very confused state.  At a screening of The Mighty, I was the only one in the cinema and yet a Hoyts attendant with a food tray stood down front for ten minutes during the trailers in the hope someone would buy something.

In the words of Magnolia, “this was not just one of those things”.  How many times have you seen a film so bad that you were left laughing uncontrollably?  How many times have you seen film where you spent more time with your hands over your eyes than looking at the screen?  How many times have you seen a film where an audience member screamed out in full voice, “Fuck, how did that get past the censors?”, not once but twice?

Kevin And Perry Go Large is based on an English television show with Harry Enfield and Kathy Burke starring as two hideously ugly teenagers looking to get laid.  When they read in a porno that everyone sleeps with everyone in Ibiza, they’re soon on their way.

Mr. Cranky is a favourite critic on mine in that every film receives a rating from one bomb to five bombs.  Just recently, a sixth bomb was introduced with the caption “proof that Jesus died in vein”.  Whilst Mr. Cranky has had the good fortune not to have seen Kevin And Perry Go Large, I feel I can carry the flame and describe the film as such.

I would love to elaborate on all the gross and disgusting scenes but the conclusion should put just the right picture in your mind.  Perry videotapes Kevin’s parents having sex “bondage” style.  He then takes the tape, becomes horny and gets large (that’s the film’s term for an erection).  The tape is then accidentally seen by one of Ibiza’s top DJs who uses it to accompany a mix put together by Kevin and Perry to screen for thousands at a nightclub and can I add that Kevin’s parents also happen to be there.

If this sounds like your kind of movie, please tell me and I will make sure I never speak to you again.  It is one of life’s great tragedies to see 36-year-old Kathy Burke in her role as Perry.  Three years ago she won the best actress award at Cannes (for Nil By Mouth) and now she is playing a 15-year-old teenager joking about erections, acne and ejaculation.  This was truly painful and the memories will be hard to erase.  To think that Billy Elliot was screening in the cinema next door.  My most favoured and least favoured films of 2000 screening side-by-side with a two-foot thick wall in between.  Unfortunately, I was on the wrong side.