Killers is (insert negative adjective here).  It’s been made solely for us to enjoy the beauty of Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl.  That’s what it felt like.  We get to see his bulging abs while shirtless in a lift.  We get to see her bulging breasts while standing around in her underwear.  I only wish as much focus went into the script.

The film begins in Nice with Spencer (Kutcher) and Jen (Heigl) bumping into each other at a holiday resort.  Next thing you know… they’re married.  Three years have passed and all is blissfully well.  What Jen doesn’t know is that her husband is an ex assassin.  He killed bad guys for some secret government organisation.  Those days are behind him however.  Spencer has hung up his gun and now works in the construction industry.

Well, I guess I’m not quite correct when I say he “hung up his gun”.  Firstly, he actually has several guns.  Secondly, he didn’t really get rid of them – he’s just hidden them around the house in case of an emergency.

Lo and behold, that situation is about to present itself.  Spencer is approached by his ex-boss and he quickly learns there’s a $20m bounty on his head.  Everyone’s out to kill him – friends, neighbours and work colleagues.  It doesn’t make much sense to me but apparently all of these people have been stringing him along for years… just waiting for the right moment to pull the trigger.  What a waste of time and effort.

Jen freaks out of course but once she calms down, she finds herself caught up in the mayhem and trying to fend off her husband’s attackers.  There are the obligatory car chases, gun fights and furniture throwing.  If this whole concept sounds familiar, perhaps you saw Knight & Day with Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz a few weeks ago.

Australian Robert Luketic (Legally Blonde, The Ugly Truth) is the film’s director but he didn’t leave much of an impression on me.  There’s nothing special about the fight sequences and I didn’t believe for a second that Ashton Kutcher’s character could pull off some of his moves.  He’s just too goofy.

The film has one redeeming quality and that’s the performance of Catherine O’Hara as Jen’s mother.  She’s a humorous alcoholic and whilst the same joke is used again and again, she’s a lot funnier than Kutcher and Heigl.  That’s not just my opinion.  I base it on the audience’s reaction at the preview screening I attended. 

It’s trying to be funny and it’s trying to be cool but Killers doesn’t quite get there.