The following is an extract from an imaginary interview between myself and Steve Martin.

Matt:     “Steve, thanks for joining us this evening.”

Steve:   “No worries, Matt.”

Matt:     “According to the Rotten Tomatoes website, only 20% of leading U.S. critics gave The Pink Panther a positive review.  What’s your feeling?”

Steve:   “Critics aren’t always right.  The public are the true judge of any movie.”

Matt:     “But according to the Internet Movie Database, the film has averaged only 4.7 out of 10 based on over 3,000 votes from the public.  What do you say to that?”

Steve:   “That’s distorted by fans of the old Pink Panther movies who realised this wasn’t as good and gave it only 1 out of 10.  The strong box-office figure shows what the public really think.”

Matt:     “Are you referring to the film’s $70m take so far?  I wouldn’t call that too satisfying when the film cost an unexplainable $80m to make.  Cheaper By The Dozen and Bringing Down The House made twice as much.”

Steve:   “Look, I see what you’re trying to do.  You’re trying to big note yourself by getting me to admit that the film is garbage.”

Matt:     “I don’t need you to admit it.  The film is garbage.  All the best jokes are given away in the trailer and the only scene I can remember laughing in was the one with you and the dialect coach.”

Steve:   “You have to admit that was a good scene.”

Matt:     “Ok, I will.  But 2 minutes of entertainment and 91 minutes of farcical nonsense isn’t what I paid money to see.  Do you read the script before signing on?”

Steve:   “Don’t insult me.  I wrote the screenplay with my friend Len Blum.  He’s written some other great films such as Howard Stern’s Private Parts, Beethoven’s 2^nd and Meatballs 3.  We did some good work on this film.”

Matt:     “Is there any reason why the film was pulled from the American summer schedule last year to be released at this notoriously dead time of the year?”

Steve:   “Don’t you read the papers?  Last June, Sony told everyone that the release was delayed for 6 months because they ‘wanted to give our marketing department the time and opportunity to launch this very important franchise.’”

Matt:     “That’s right, I remember that.  I’m surprised Sony couldn’t come up with a better excuse.  It’s pretty weak if you ask me.”

Steve:   “I don’t have to sit here and take this.”

Matt:     “Sorry Steve.  I’m just disappointed that you’d star in such a dismal movie when I remember you so fondly from more adventurous comedies such as Parenthood, L.A. Story and The Jerk.”

Steve:   “That’s your opinion and whilst I respect it, I’m not going to sit here and rubbish my own film.”

Matt:     “Well I will.  The Pink Panther is a joke and easily one of the worst comedies of 2006.  Steve Martin, thanks again for joining us.”

Steve:   “F*** you.”