Details

Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 01 November 2001

Jewel then breaks down and confesses that the whole car scene was a set up and Randy was about to be robbed by her “boyfriend”.  Now that she’d met Randy and seen what a nice guy he was, she couldn’t go through with it.  However, before the robbery can be aborted, the boyfriend shows up and in a sudden turn of events, is killed by Jewel with a bullet to the back of the head.

After some light convincing from Jewel, Randy decides he doesn’t want her going through anymore trauma and he himself claims responsibility for firing the gun in self defence.  Detective Dehling (Goodman) immediately picks holes in Randy’s story and decides further investigation will be required.

Over the coming weeks, Randy finds that Jewel isn’t the innocent victim she’s made out to be.  She immediately moves in with Randy, starts renovating the house and is the dominating member in their new relationship.  Every time he protests, Jewel piles on the sex to make Randy forget all his troubles.

To complicate matters, Randy’s lawyer uncle, Carl (Reiser), was also at the bar that night and he too fell head over heels for Jewel.  When word arrived that his cousin was seeing her, he started paying Randy a lot more visits just to be close to Jewel.  Let’s not forget Detective Dehling who has also flipped for Jewel and is looking for any reason to bust Randy to break up the relationship.

Despite poor jokes and unoriginal plot developments, the interacting stories of these three guys makes for light-hearted entertainment.  Michael Douglas plays a hitman hired by Randy to kill Jewel and is the pick of the bunch.  Douglas is also an executive producer and I think he’s played this small role to help boost the film’s profile.

One Night At McCool’s has a warped sense of humour and there’s an unnecessary overkill of sex and violence.  The sight of Paul Reiser in bondage has also left nasty images in my mind.  What was he thinking?  Still, I’ve seen a lot worse this year and so long has you can hold my attention for a while, it’ll escape with a passing grade.

Details

Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 25 October 2001

A group of police officers led by Helena (Grier) and Melanie (Ballad) are on route via train to pick up a prisoner from an outer community on the Martian planet.  The prisoner is James “Desolation” Williams (Cube) and with a history of grizzly murders, he’s got everyone security conscious.

When they get to the mining town where he is being held in lockup, all is quiet.  There’s not a single resident on the streets and something is definitely amiss.  A check of the local hangouts reveals a gruesome discovery.  People are found strung by their feet from the ceiling with their heads severed.  Charming.

No survivors are found until the prisoners themselves are discovered untouched in the police station’s basement.  None are aware of the carnage upstairs.  There is one person however who’s in the lock-up by choice.  Dr. Whitlock (Cassidy) is from a nearby town and has seen what is responsible for the massacre.  In a mining accident, a mysterious germ was unearthed that turned all who came in contact with it into savages.  Now, the virus has started to spread and looks set to take over the planet...

There’s nothing I can say that acutely describes the mental anguish that audience members will suffer.  The film may have been made by horror “specialist” John Carpenter but his direction brought back painful memories ala Battlefield Earth.  Note for attention - lots of loud explosions that have been poorly edited look really, really stupid.  Let me not forget the pathetic action, sick violence and overuse of fake blood.

The actors aren’t escaping my wrath either.  All are destined to spend the rest of their lives starring in B-grade telemovies as studios wouldn’t dare offer them another decent role having seen Ghosts of Mars on their resume.  One of the drawcards, Pam Grier, is killed in the opening half-hour.  Rising star Clea DuVall says about three sentences in the whole film.  Natasha Henstridge has most attention but it’s clear she’s in the film just to please the male audience.  As for Ice Cube, need I say anything?

I’ve already wasted an hour and a half trying to look away from the screen and frankly, I don’t want any part of the rest of my life associated with Ghosts Of Mars.  With that said, I’m out of here.

Details

Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 01 November 2001

For three consecutive years, Derek Zoolander (Stiller) has been voted the world’s number one model.  This year, he’s faced competition from new kid on the block, Hansel (Wilson) and in a major upset, steals Zoolander’s title at the annual fashion award show.  Devastated by the loss, Derek decides it’s time to retire.  As he says – “maybe there’s more to life than being good looking.”

On the other side of the globe, leading fashion designer Jacobim Mugatu (Ferrell) is facing a financial crisis.  The new prime minister of Malaysia is proposing legislation that will abolish the use of sweatshops and increase pay rates.  With the majority of Mugatu’s clothing made in Malaysia, the increased costs will ruin his competitive market edge.

With the help of his assistant, Katinka (Jovovich), Mugatu convinces Derek to return from retirement and to market his new revolutionary clothing range.  However, following a massage arranged by Katinka, Derek is brainwashed and told to kill the Malaysian prime minister when he attends the clothing launch in New York.

Following Derek for some time has been Time Magazine journalist Matilda Jeffries (Taylor) who despite trashing Derek in a recent article, senses an even bigger story is brewing and that maybe Derek isn’t the mindless self-absorbed model she originally thought.

Initial trailers indicated this film was another cheap shot on the fashion industry but I couldn’t be more wrong.  Zoolander is a subtle parody that mocks the predictability of recent Hollywood scripts.  Stiller is incredible in the leading role and his distinctive voice and monotonous personality is very, very funny.

In fact, the whole cast is great and definitely one of the most well chosen of the year.  Will Ferrell is insanely impressive and Milla Jovovich is unrecognisable.  And what about the cameos?  Cameos are often a tacky way of surprising (and sometimes waking up) the audience but the regularity of big stars popping in for the tinniest of roles was a major plus.  Not to spoil all the surprises but the vast list includes Donald Trump, Natalie Portman, Tommy Hilfiger, Cuba Gooding Jr, Fabio, Lenny Kravitz, David Bowie, Gary Shandling, Lukas Hass, Claudia Schiffer, Sandra Bernhard, Stephen Dorff, Billy Zane, Lance Bass, Winona Ryder and Vince Vaughn.

In the tradition of Austin Powers, Zoolander is a fresh comedy that takes parodies to a higher level.  There’s no gross-out jokes, there’s no toilet humour.  It is simple comedy at the expense of one guy who as the posters say “is 3% body fat, 1% brain activity.”  It seems Ben Stiller is back in my good books again…for now.

Details

Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 25 October 2001

That is until a freak storm arrives and his $150,000 boat is obliterated by a bolt of lightening.  When the wave of the near-death experience subsides, Steve is shocked to find his insurance company unwilling to fork over compensation for a new boat.  Apparently, his insurance policy doesn’t cover “acts of god” and this loophole leaves Steve feeling screwed by corporate bigwigs.

So just what does he do?  It’s useless suing the insurance companies as their policies are watertight but what about God?  Who’s to say what an “act of god” really is?  And so he begins an action against the church, as a representative of God, to prove that this truly wasn’t an “act of god”.

Siding with Steve is journalist Anna Redmond (Davis) who knows that to be successful, he’ll need the media on his side.  She acts as his media liaison and he’s soon front-page material with all of Sydney talking about his story.  The Churches and their lawyers are starting to take this seriously...

The Man Who Sued God is one of the most morally disgraceful films I have seen.  The performances are great and there’s nothing wrong with Mark Joffe’s (Cosi) direction but how anyone associated with the production can live with themselves is incomprehensible.

Another Australian production, The Bank, was released several weeks ago and targeted banks in a one-sided attempt to please audiences.  The Man Who Sued God goes even further with its blatant targeting of insurance companies.  The companies’ and their respective lawyers are treated as the bad guys, Billy Connolly’s Scottish accent will adore him to audiences as the good guy and there’s absolutely no in-between.

Without engaging in a heated debate on the global economic future, I do believe that corporations (and not people) run the world and in an era where a very small percentage of the population control most of the wealth, I’m not proud of the path we are taking.  You’d think my stance would favour such a film but nothing provocative is ever explored.  It’s nothing more than easy jokes against a traditional public enemy who isn’t given a chance to defend itself.  Does it come as a surprise that the film failed to mention the overwhelming fact that if such frivolous lawsuits were to exist, the price of insurance premiums would only rise to compensate?

The religious aspect of the film is also sure to offend.  Churches and their leaders are heavily criticised but save face in the final scenes when they realise the true error of their ways.  Again, this may be a comedy but the underlying subtext is rather sinister.

Telstra recorded a record profit of $4.1b last year so can I soon expect a lopsided comedy about a man who doesn’t pay his bill and gets away with it?  From the audience’s positive reaction to The Man Who Sued God, it’d be a sure hit.  Film is a powerful medium but when used as a tool for propaganda, it can become just as powerful a weapon.

Details

Written by Matthew Toomey

Created: 25 October 2001

Nathan’s perfect life is about to come in collide with Patrick Koster (Bean).  Ten years ago, Koster was shafted following a bank robbery he orchestrated when a partner ran off with a million dollar ruby.  After being tracked down, he threw himself in front of a moving subway train when he wouldn’t reveal the location of the ruby but police witnessed to the act and Koster was put away.

Now, having just been released, Koster knows there’s only one person who knows where the ruby is.  That person is 18-year-old Elizabeth Burrows (Murphy), the daughter of Koster’s victim, but she’s been in a mental hospital for some time having failed to come to grips with her father’s murder.  Dr Nathan Conrad has been asked by a good friend to take a look at Elizabeth and see if she can be helped.

Nathan is not the only one concerned about her well-being.  Koster kidnaps Nathan’s daughter and is going to use her as leverage.  He tells Nathan that inside Elizabeth’s mind is a 6-digit number that will reveal the location of the ruby and unless he can get her to open up by 5pm, his daughter will be killed.  Nathan fiercely protests the lack of time but as reality sets in, he knows the clock is ticking and he’ll have to call on all his skill and nerve to find the answers.

Don't Say A Word applies traditional Hollywood formulas with little deviation.  The sterile characters and setting make the film a dull bore.  The lack of suspense also sucks the film into an unemotional void.  Michael Douglas is just going through the motions as the screenwriters have given him little to work with.  It’s all silly nonsense really and once you find out what the 6-digit number is for, you’ll give a quiet chuckle.

Unlike the film’s title, I won’t keep my opinions suppressed and have no qualms in writing off a most overrated production.