Reviews
Tomb Raider
- Details
- Written by Matthew Toomey
| Directed by: | Simon West |
| Written by: | Patrick Massett, John Zinman |
| Starring: | Angelina Jolie, Daniel Craig, Leslie Phillips, Mark Collie, Noah Taylor, Jon Voight |
| Released: | June 21, 2001 |
| Grade: | C+ |
Have I suddenly become a depressed pessimist or has the quality of recent films fallen through the floor? I think it is great being a critic and the question I get asked the most is “so, what’s worth seeing at the moment?” I’m passionate about film and when something comes along that I like, I’ll be sure to tell you about it (and talk for hours and hours). There’s nothing I enjoy more than convincing someone to see a film that they wouldn’t ordinarily see and having them come back and tell me how much they enjoyed it.
I’ve been asked “the question” a few times this past week and I’ve been left stumped without an answer. Recently, my responses have been Moulin Rouge and Memento but both have been screening for over a month. Shrek’s worth seeing but it’s hard to convince adults to take the time and nobody’s heard of (let alone seen) The House Of Mirth.
Having enjoyed the trailers, I was eagerly hoping Tomb Raider would give me something positive to talk about but once again, I’ve been let down. Angelina Jolie is Lara Croft, a sexy super-hero with a fetish for looking good and wearing tight outfits. Her father (played by real-life dad Jon Voight), died 15 years ago but left Lara an important request.
For the first time in 5,000 years, the nine planets of the Solar System will soon align and at that exact moment, a powerful force threatens to be released. There exists a mystical clock that will guide its holder to the location of two metallic triangle pieces that when joined together, create the power to control time. The clock falls into the hands of “bad guy” Alex Marrs (Craig) and it’s up to Lara to “save the universe again.”
If the plot sounds thin, then that’s because it is! The majority of the action sequences are ordinary. There were lots of close shaves and big explosions but quick editing combined with an overuse of special effects made it hard to figure out what the hell was going on. At times it was a giant blur. The plot is full of holes and about 1% made sense - it’s almost as if significant scenes were left on the cutting room floor. The film's best described as a female Indiana Jones without a script. Enticed yet?
I can’t bag the entire film because Academy Award winner Angelina Jolie is decent. Despite getting no help from fellow cast members, she is tough yet reserved making for an interesting character. You can’t help but laugh though at her shower scene which adds nothing to the story and is obviously designed to tease and get the audience talking.
Look, when we’ve run out of ideas to the point that we have to look to computer games for inspiration, something is wrong. A computer game is designed to challenge the player and having played the game itself, I can remember the complex thought required to beat it. Let’s just say that apart from the endurance factor, the film didn’t offer quite so much of a challenge...
The House Of Mirth
- Details
- Written by Matthew Toomey
| Directed by: | Terence Davies |
| Written by: | Terence Davies |
| Starring: | Gillian Anderson, Eric Stoltz, Anthony LaPaglia, Dan Aykroyd, Laura Linney, Terry Kinney, Elizabeth McGovern, Eleanor Bron |
| Released: | June 14, 2001 |
| Grade: | A- |
Love is too easily trivialised on screen but The House Of Mirth once again proves that many great love films are supported by an even more impressive novel. In the past few years, we’ve seen feature films adapted from William Shakespeare’s finest works (A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Othello, Hamlet, Richard III, Romeo & Juliet) and Jane Austen’s classics (Mansfield Park, Emma, Sense And Sensibility, Persuasion). A new infatuation is developing for the works of early 20th century author Edith Jones who we know from Ethan Frome, The Age Of Innocence and now, The House Of Mirth.
There was a great discussion on The Panel last week talking about the weakness of modern-day scripts. Casablanca, in my opinion the greatest film of all time, originally began with a 250 page treatment from which the best parts were taken to condense the film into two hours. It was the golden time in Hollywood and screenwriters of the era would be horrified to see how many of today’s scripts are created. Many are created from just a few pages of notes and made stretch into 90 minutes.
You can’t overlook the evidence. Look at recent atrocities such as Head Over Heels, Crocodile Dundee in L.A., Monkeybone and Valentine (all released in past two months). A simple idea is dragged out and tortured to death. With stars signing contracts before drafts are even written, the importance of the script itself is being lost and trust me, it’s not conducive to good filmmaking.
Set in 1905, The House Of Mirth revolves around Lily Bart (brilliantly played by Gillian Anderson) and her quest to find love and fortune. Her wealthy aunt affords her a life of luxury which makes her a part of elite society. Lily has reached that age where marriage is expected and in a time when a woman’s reputation is all she has, her own mistakes combined with ill wishes from others, will make her task to find a husband very difficult.
Lily has always longed for Lawrence (Stoltz) and the two are close but neither will admit to their true feelings. Lily stumbles across letters indicating Lawrence has been romantically involved with good friend Bertha (Linney) meaning she is cheating on her husband George (Terry). Thinking Lawrence does not love her, Lily pursues other avenues including the advancements of the married Gus Trenor (Aykroyd) and the wealthy Sim Rosedale (LaPaglia). Lily knows she must marry but despite the offers of fortune and security that these two gentlemen can provide, her heart is tied to Lawrence and will not let go.
Her world is soon shattered when her gambling debts are discovered by her aunt who disinherits Lily from her will. Further, Bertha is looking for a way out of her marriage with George and uses Lily as a scapegoat by publicly announcing the lie that the two were having an affair. With her reputation in tatters, Lily has the evidence to clear her name (the letters) but in doing so would destroy the reputation of her true love Lawrence. Whichever path she takes, someone will be hurt.
It’s a marvellous film with the kind of cast you wouldn’t always expect. Director Terence Davies is a newcomer to Hollywood and gets the most out of his crew. I could rave of the impeccable sets and costumes (as I always do with period piece productions) but it’s the depth of the story which has me recommending it so highly. It may not have the razzle and dazzle of Moulin Rouge but the message is still the same - love can give so much and yet take so much away.
Pearl Harbor
- Details
- Written by Matthew Toomey
| Directed by: | Michael Bay |
| Written by: | Randall Wallace |
| Starring: | Ben Affleck, Josh Hartnett, Kate Beckinsale, Cuba Gooding Jr, Alec Baldwin, William Lee Scott, Jon Voight, Ewan Bremner |
| Released: | June 7, 2001 |
| Grade: | C+ |
Having just wasted three hours, I’ll cut right to the chase. With all the advertising and publicity (the premiere alone cost $9m), most will already have an understanding of the story. Rafe (Affleck) and Danny (Hartnett) are best buddies and great fighter pilots. As World War II continues, Rafe is assigned to help the British fight the advancing Germans. He will be torn from his new love, an army nurse named Evelyn (Beckinsale), who has been posted at Pearl Harbor.
When Rafe’s plane is shot down, word of his death reaches America which shatters both Evelyn and Danny. Months pass before the two run into each other at a cinema and in discussing their depression at a local cafe, a romantic connection forms between them. However, their newly found happiness will be short-lived when Rafe turns up alive to complicate the situation...
Before anyone has a chance to comprehend Rafe’s survival, Pearl Harbor is bombed by a Japanese sneak attack. History tells us that over 3,700 were killed in just a few hours on December 7, 1941 and it signalled the start of America’s involvement in World War II.
Look, I have never been a fan of director Michael Bay and all his films (Armageddon, The Rock and Bad Boys) are bullshit. Pearl Harbor is his attempt to tackle more important subject material (kind of like what Steven Spielberg did in making Schindler’s List). Unfortunately, the film has all the trademarks of Michael Bay and producer Jerry Bruckheimer.
Despite visual effects wizardry and blistering action sequences, these characters have no soul. I love to hear beautifully spoken dialect but it’s more suited to a Shakespearean drama and not a war epic. These people speak as if every sentence has been crafted from hours of thought which doesn’t add to the drama but rather adds to the laughter.
There’s beautiful cinematography from John Schwartzman and deep music from Hans Zimmer but is it appropriate in a war setting? Do we really have to have romantic scenes played out in slow motion to soft lullabies on coastal settings? At times during the key action sequence, I felt I was watching a rock video with all the music, editing and changes in pace.
I went into the film with pessimism but I do concede that on more than one occasion, I had that queasy emotion feeling. Yet every time I tried to lose my heart in this story, a stupid line or a corny sequence would slip me back to the reality that is the darkened cinema. The only difference between this film and Armageddon is that the story is based on an actual event - nothing else has effectively changed.
I could continue to criticise the numerous flaws that many others have pointed out regarding historical inaccuracies. I nearly pewked when an Englishman said “if all American pilots are as good as you, then god help anyone who attacks America”. Cuba Gooding Jr is thrown in as the token black character who (like he does in Men Of Honor) rises against the white supremacists and wins respect. It didn’t come as any surprise either to see the Japanese portrayed so negatively - why would any female want to root for an ugly Japanese guy when Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett are on the other team? I will single out Jon Voight as the only cast member to impresses with his portrayal of President Roosevelt.
So there you have it - the biggest blockbuster of the year is a disappointment. Still, it’ll make $500m worldwide at the box-office and leave Bay and Bruckheimer to contemplate another historical event to rape on the big screen. I guess it doesn’t matter what event they choose because when you can spend $200m on special effects, who needs a script? It reminds of the famous line when 30’s B-grade director Ed Wood was asked if the script was ready for his new movie - “fuck no!” he said, “but there’s a poster!”
Josie And The Pussycats
- Details
- Written by Matthew Toomey
| Directed by: | Harry Elfont, Deborah Kaplan |
| Written by: | Harry Elfont, Deborah Kaplan |
| Starring: | Rachel Leigh Cook, Tara Reid, Rosario Dawson, Alan Cumming, Parker Posey |
| Released: | June 14, 2001 |
| Grade: | B+ |
I was more than surprised to say I enjoyed this teen flick based on the 70s cartoon series. Leading boy band DuJour discover their songs contain subliminal messages which are being used to brainwash teenagers into buying certain products. Given this revelation, they are all killed in a mysterious plane crash before they had the chance to expose those responsible.
Needing a new band to pitch their products through, music executive Fiona (Posey) and employee Wyatt (Cumming) go in search and find Josie (Cook), Melody (Reid) and Valerie (Dawson) and create Josie And The Pussycats. The girls are a little stunned when success comes so quickly but none suspect the real reason for their new found popularity. That is until Josie discovers their hidden secret...
I know the above outline sounds lame but it’s because the film is designed that way. The greatest feature (and what makes it so enjoyable) is the way the film mocks the commercialism that is dominating society. Almost every scene has a brand logo of some form in the background. I had to laugh at the small McDonalds logos that lined the shower screen and the Target symbols on plane walls and bedspreads.
Alan Cumming and Parker Posey are accomplished independent actors which makes you wonder why they’d star in a film like this. The reason is that there’s fun to be had and they steal the spotlight from the teen cast with their witty remarks. I can’t forget an inspired cameo from Eugene Levy (Best In Show, American Pie) that caught me off guard to say the least.
Despite the negativity I often express towards the genre, here’s proof that a film need not be pitched to those with low IQs. Let’s give teenagers a little more credit and provide a comedy that’s just a little more challenging.
Head Over Heels
- Details
- Written by Matthew Toomey
| Directed by: | Mark S. Waters |
| Written by: | Ron Burch, David Kidd |
| Starring: | Monica Potter, Freddie Prinze Jr, Shalom Harlow, Ivana Milicevic, Sarah O’Hare |
| Released: | May 31, 2001 |
| Grade: | C- |
Head Over Heels is a mind-numbingly horrendous film. I have trashed all the recent teen comedies including Down To You and Boys And Girls and enough is enough. Four writers are credited with the screenplay (not good) and have taken the “best of the worst” from past teen flicks (including Freddie Prinze Jr) to make a super-stinker.
The film was under my skin before the opening credits had even finished. In the most ludicrous plot I have witnessed in some time, we meet Amanda (Potter) as a successful painting restorer who has sworn off men since she inadvertently walked in on her boyfriend sleeping with another. Forced to find new living arrangements she finds a luxurious apartment that is home to four models (including Australian Sarah O’Hare) enjoying a swanky lifestyle.
In the lobby, she meets young fashion executive Jim Winston (Prinze Jr) and in a gooey moment, they both fall “head over heels”. It transpires that Jim lives in the apartment across the street which is clearly visible from Amanda’s place. Having arranged a first date on Saturday, Amanda is keeping a close eye on her man but one night after a party, the shadows through his curtains give the appearance that he’s beaten a young girl over the head with a baseball bat.
Normally I would stop at this point to save the surprise for those that actually do want to see the movie but given the circumstances, I need to spoil it for you. It so happens that Jim is actually an FBI agent and the killing was only an act because a Russian mafia guy was also watching from another window and Jim’s cover would be blown otherwise. In the “dramatic” conclusion, the four models, Amanda and Jim end up at a fashion show where the bad guys are apprehended, and Jim fesses up to Amanda that his real name is Bob Smouthe. After Amanda’s whole “I can’t deal with this” episode (lasting 5 minutes), they both realise they can’t live without each other. Awwww.
I don’t know why Freddie Prinze Jr continues with this teen crap (he’s now 25 years old). Is it because he’s such a bad actor that studios won’t offer him serious roles? I must also use this opportunity to reprehend Sarah O’Hare for the worst performance of the year. She plays an Australian and here’s a sampling of what she had to say - “Of course I love water - I come from Australia which is an island”. There were also several jokes about uncles and cousins in the outback wanting to sleep with her.
This is the kind of film where I wish I could record my own commentary for the DVD so that I could dissect and destroy every single scene. The film started rolling at 7:10pm and I walked out just as the final credits started rolling at 8:27pm. That’s just 77 minutes of actual film and I’ll bet it was cut 100 times before being released. In hindsight, they should have cut the whole film and burnt it to a crisp.
I don’t want people thinking I’m overly harsh so as final proof, here’s a few quotes from some of America’s leading critics - “Prinze’s acting has the soulful depth of a glass of Nestle’s Quick and the complex nuances of a toasted slice of Wonder Bread”, “the first truly tasteless motion picture of 2001”, “the sorriest piece of work that’s been greenlit in over a year of weak Hollywood product”, “it doesn’t just insult our intelligence, it assumes we haven’t any”, “completely idiotic”, “as dumb as a post”, and “apocalyptically bad”. Mr Cranky himself said “I was looking for an aerosol can and a match so I could set fire to the screen”.
I’ll finish with one final thought from critic Mike Clark of USA Today which had me chuckling most of all - “It feels like a movie some other actress rejected - you can almost see Sandra Bullock using the screenplay manuscript as a coffee coaster.” Isn’t it funny that the reviews are more entertaining than the film? Normally not a good sign.
Freddie Got Fingered
- Details
- Written by Matthew Toomey
| Directed by: | Tom Green |
| Written by: | Tom Green, Derek Harvie |
| Starring: | Tom Green, Rip Torn, Hardland Williams, Stephen Tobolowsky, Anthony Michael Hall |
| Released: | June 7, 2001 |
| Grade: | C- |
Most Australians won’t be familiar with him but Tom Green is a controversial American comedian in the same vein as Howard Stern. He’s had his own show (which has screened here on the Comedy Channel) but his most widely seen role to date was as the narrator and co-star of Road Trip (he was the guy who ate the mouse, remember?).
For some reason, 20th Century Fox found him worthy of his own film and gave him $15m for him to write, direct and star in it. Gord (Green) is a cartoon writer who wants to make it in Hollywood. His dad (Torn) just wants him find a job and move out of home so he can relax and enjoy his retirement. With that said, let’s just go through the “highlights” of Freddie Got Fingered.
In one scene, Gord drives pass a horse stud farm which excites him. He proceeds to jump from his car, run to a horse and masturbates the horse’s penis. In another scene, Gord sees a dead deer in the middle of the road. He gets a knife and cuts the skin from the animal and then dances around wearing the blood soaked skin pretending to be the deer. Do you want more?
When in hospital visiting a friend, Gord’s antics offend a pregnant lady in the next bed which sends her into labour. Gord makes things right by delivering the baby. He then chews through the umbilical cord with his teeth and swings the baby around leaving blood splattered on the walls and nearby patients.
As fate has it, Gord meets a young lady in hospital named Betty (Marisa Coughlan) who’s paralysed from the waist down. To reach orgasm, she has Gord whip her legs with a bamboo cane which drives her wild. She’s not the kind of girl who likes to go out - she’d just prefer to stay home and suck his cock. Shall I continue?
I guess there’s one more scene requiring explanation. When his father has a go at him for being a loser, Gord decides to get back at dad but accusing him of molesting Freddie, his younger son (hence the title). Authorities then place Freddie in a home for abused children and begin criminal proceedings against the accused. Amused?
Incredibly sick and twisted, I laughed quite often during Freddie Got Fingered but it was “at” the film and not “with” the film. It’s nothing more than a 90 minute skit of Tom Green acting stupid - it doesn’t flow and there’s certainly no story. Everyone has a different sense of humour and maybe there are people that would find this funny but not me. Jerking off an elephant and spraying his father with the semen is not my idea of comedy.
If you do see the film and enjoy it more than I, please tell me so that I can lose all respect for you. With the current trend of “gross out” comedies, there’s a fine line being drawn between what is funny and what is sick. Never before has one film been so far over that line and Freddie Got Fingered sets a new benchmark for human depravity that may never again be matched.