Reviews

Happy, Texas

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Directed by: Mark Illsley
Written by:Ed Stone, Mark Illsley
Starring: Jeremy Northam, Steve Zahn, William H. Macy, Ally Walker, Illeana Douglas
Released: January 13, 2000
Grade: B-

Harry Sawyer (Northam) and Wayne Wayne Wayne Jnr (Zahn) are convicted criminals given the break of lifetime.  Whilst en route back to the jail after an outing of highway work, the prison van crashes setting themselves and a fellow inmate free.  Desperate to elude the police, they steal a camper van from a petrol station and set off to find somewhere to hide - that place is Happy, Texas.

In Happy, the town is getting ready for a big beauty pageant for young girls as they try to qualify for the final for the first time in eight years.  To help their causes, they’ve hired two guys who are experts in pageants - coincidentally the same two guys from whom they’ve stolen the camper van.

Suddenly, Harry and Wayne find themselves mistakenly identified as the two pageant guys and are roped into helping organise the pageant.  They need somewhere to hide out and what’s more - they’re getting paid $1,000 for the job.

Everything though is more complicated than first planned.  Firstly, neither of them knows anything about beauty pageants.  Secondly, the two guys are supposed to be a gay couple. Thirdly, they each develop crushes on a couple of local women (Walker and Douglas).  Throw in a creepy sheriff (Macy) who comes to a sudden realisation and you’ve got a pretty good recipe cooked up.

Watching this film had me wondering just what it was designed for.  It doesn’t have the laughs for a comedy, but it’s way too stupid for a drama.  It seems to be an attempted feel-good movie that is about twice as long as it ought to be and loses momentum as it progresses.

William H. Macy is in a class of his own and illustrates just how talented he is.  Since his Oscar nomination in Fargo, his career has taken off in leaps and bounds and his supporting role in this film overshadows the rest.  Jeremy Northam and Steve Zahn have their moments but neither is particularly notable.

You’ll see a lot worse movies this year, but all in all it adds up to one of those films that is going to lack public appeal because it’s quirky nature isn’t always on the mark.

     

Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo

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Directed by: Mike Mitchell
Written by:Harris Goldberg, Rob Schneider
Starring: Rob Schneider, William Forsythe, Eddie Griffin, Arija Bareikis
Released: January 6, 2000
Grade: C-

Just when you think they’ve scraped the bottom of the barrel in Hollywood, they somehow find another layer.  Saturday Night Live has been a long running staple of the American TV industry.  Long criticised for lacking in quality, it has spawned many film careers including those of Dan Akroyd, Chris Farley and Phil Hartman.  Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo will not do anything for the career of its star, Rob Schneider.

Schneider stars as Deuce, a fish tanker cleaner who meets a gigolo, Antonie whilst on the job.  Antoine’s prized “fishy” is ill and must be closely watched for a 48-hour period.  Unfortunately, he has to go to Switzerland for work and leaves the hapless Deuce in charge of his attractive mansion.

Whilst making the most of the facilities, he accidentally destroys his $6,000 fish tank and so how is going to raise the money in the three weeks before the gigolo returns?  Just have one guess - by becoming a gigolo.

The cast is flat, dead and dull.  William Forsythe is a talented actor who must have been hallucinating when he read this script.  He plays a detective trying to bring down Antoine’s business and who is obsessed with whipping out his penis in public. Funny stuff!

This film is beyond toilet humour and isn’t even remotely amusing.  If you’ve seen the trailer, you’ve seen it all with this one so don’t waste your time.  Nothing more than a couple of “supposed” jokes tortured to death, this is without question one of the worst films of the year.  Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo is sure to leave you speechless.

 

Sleepy Hollow

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Directed by: Tim Burton
Written by:Kevin Yager, Andrew Kevin Walker
Starring: Johnny Depp, Christina Ricci, Miranda Richardson, Casper Van Dien, Jeffrey Jones, Christopher Walken
Released: January 1, 2000
Grade: B-

Tim Burton’s a director who does things differently and its always refreshing to see an adaptation from his viewpoint.  His most recent films, Batman, Batman Returns, Edward Scissorhands, Beetlejuice, The Night Before Christmas and Mars Attacks!, are all illustrative examples of the “creepy” work this modern day wonder has conjured.

Washington Irving penned his novel, The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow, way back in 1820 and it has been told countless times around campfires.  Set in 1799, we are introduced to Ichabod Crane (Depp), a detective who is disgusted with the New York legal system.  He is a scientist at heart and is of the belief that men should be judged by techniques such as deduction through finding clues rather than by the primitive methods of witchcraft.

To put his theories to the test, he is sent to the town of Sleepy Hollow where the suspected “Headless Horseman” has recently left three reputable citizens “headless”.  Depp informs the townspeople that this horseman “is a man of flesh and blood and I will discover him”.

Upon his arrival however, more are found with their heads severed and his theories start unravelling when he comes face-to-face with the Headless Horseman, meets a local “witch”, and becomes infatuated with Katrina (Ricci), the daughter of the town’s leading resident.

The settings, the costumes, the direction are all spot-on - they create the gloom and mystery of the mythical town of Sleepy Hollow to a picture, but the film gets bogged down in its detail and momentum is lost.  The spirit of the novel seems lost as screenwriters Kevin Yager and Andrew Kevin Walker cram too much of the book into the film.  There are so many characters with such complicated names and backgrounds - it’s hard to tell which character is which and who is related to whom.  Apart from the superlative duo of Johnny Depp and Christina Ricci, the rest of the talented cast are lost in  insignificant roles.

This rubs off on the entirety of the film.  It starts with such intrigue - who is this headless horseman and why he terrorising the people of Sleepy Hollow?   The intrigue however, soon turns to boredom and by the film’s lackluster conclusion, its barely holding your attention.

     

Double Jeopardy

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Directed by: Bruce Beresford
Written by:David Weisberg, Douglas Cook
Starring: Tommy Lee Jones, Ashley Judd, Bruce Greenwood, Annabeth Gish
Released: January 6, 2000
Grade: C

You would go a long way to find a worse script than that offered by Double Jeopardy.  Some studio executive obviously came up with the idea about basing a movie around the concept of “double jeopardy” and paying a bunch of guys to come up with a script that has clearly gone through several rewrites.  For those unfamiliar with the concept of double jeopardy, it revolves around the 5th amendment of the U.S. Constitution - a person cannot be tried and convicted of the same crime twice.  

Libby Parsons (Judd) is a happily married mother with a five-year-old son.  After a “passionate” night with her husband Nick (Greenwood) on their yacht, she wakes up to find the yacht covered in blood, and her husband missing.

Convicted of his death, she spends six years behind bars but whilst in “prison”, she discovers her husband is still alive - he has set her up and run off with her best friend.  Upon release Libby is determined to track him down and make up for her lost time.  Unknowing of the full plight is Libby’s parole officer (Tommy Lee Jones), who comes after her when she breaks parole to take her back under police custody.

As Libby says to Nick upon finding him, “I can shoot you in the middle of Mardi Gras and they can’t touch me”.  I suppose you wonder why I mention this line from the final 10 minutes of the film - doesn’t it spoil the ending?  Well it sure does, but don’t blame me.  This line and several others from the final scenes appear in both the trailer and TV advertisements.  Just another in a long line of movies spoilt by idiotically revealing clips.

If any of this sounds mildly interesting then I am misleading you.  Ashley Judd and Tommy Lee Jones are mildly entertaining in their roles and Australian director Bruce Beresford serves up a fair effort to help build the tension but what an appalling script the screenwriters dished up.  The film is nothing more than a bunch of very unlikely coincidences combined with gross incompetence from the police.  How the hell was she convicted in the first place if he’s still alive - where did all the blood come from (anyone ever heard of DNA testing?).  It is the worst example one can find of a “popcorn movie”.  Designed to give audiences the thrill that one can kill another and get away with it, it’s merely cheap, trashy entertainment and nothing else can be taken away from it.

I could go on picking the holes and analysing the flaws but honestly, that would be wasting time on a film that frankly doesn’t deserve it.